Sometimes I feel like I’ll be fine at this job with enough time to learn, but other times, I just feel in over my head and exhausted. I am feeling stressed because I’m working on my first two projects and my crew is waiting on me to finish my part before we can all move to the next phase.
So I’m holding up multiple other people and they are getting frustrated. They want me to work faster, but I have to work with other (non-crew) people and timelines outside my control. And I’m working with tools I’ve never used before and creating new processes where none currently exist. The crew doesn’t care.
My new manager is pleasant enough to me because I’m new, but she’s intimidating. She glibly mentioned that two people (one of whom I’d recently met) who do what I do at the company were leaving due to underperformance. Um, ok. Why tell me that? Jeez. No pressure, right?
Now in my third week, I’ve already gotten my first sit down “we’ve noticed…” conversation disguised as a friendly chat from one of the directors. When I voiced some of my perceived pressures, I was met with, “We have high standards” and “Get better at pushing back”. I was given more things to add to my mile-long To-Do list. I came out of that meeting feeling rattled. I can tell I’m not enough of a culture fit, and not just for this company. I don’t think I’m a culture fit for my own career anymore.
This job is DEFINITELY not for me long term. It’s very stressful. Working at top speed all day every day in the office is re-igniting my burnout. The pressure. The commute. I’m already going to be working part of this weekend just to partially catch up with the workload. This job is not going to be sustainable for a number of health reasons.
That being said, not for one minute do I regret leaving the old job. I’d do it again without hesitation. I’m seeing the future of my current career now and I’m liking it less and less.
I’m looking at other jobs to see what’s out there. None of the other jobs that I’m seeing appeal to me, because they all look like what I’m doing now.
My career has evolved and moved on without me over the past 7 years. The work I used to do is all but obsolete on the job market. It’s a new career for a new type of worker, and I don’t fit anymore. Trying to get another job in my field, in addition to being tricky because I just started this one, would not solve my (burnout) problem.
For a while, I’ve been in a quandry about whether each weekly paycheck should go to debt or cash savings. I’m now heavily leaning towards giving up on paying off the debt and just stockpiling cash. It will take me several months to pay off the debt and I don’t think I can last that long in this job.
More and more, I’m feeling that my next step should be studying full time for 6 months or so for a new career. I feel positive that this will help my burnout as well. I’ve already identified a few programs that look promising. I will need cash to fund doing this as the programs will cost money. I will also need to pay my bills, and find health insurance – probably ACA, because Cobra prices are ridiculous. I will start looking into this.
For now, I’m taking this job one week at a time.
“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW Archives)