Warning. This is not a happy joy post. What follows is a wall of depression text, so if you’d rather not go there with me, feel free to skip this one.
It has been a while since my last post. I still have my job, which I am grateful for. Things are very quiet there these days. A few more co-workers left on their own after the layoffs. They either took other jobs or are just quitting to get off of the treadmill. I envy their ability to afford to do that. There are a handful of us left in the office so… it’s really quiet.
Why am I still there? It’s not bad. In fact it’s a lot better than the place I worked at before. Plus, I need the health benefits.
I’ve mentioned my health issues before. I have to have major surgery soon. Because it is major surgery, I will need help to do everything for a least a couple of weeks afterward. And of course, because I have no one here that could take care of me, I needed to ask my mother. My mother, who would do anything for me, but who is getting on in years, asked my older brother for additional help. They can’t live with me here in my tiny room that I’m renting, so I’ll need to find some place for us to stay.
I just spent the last 20 minutes of life on the phone getting lectured by my brother about how all of this is my fault. What I am asking is a big inconvenience to them. If I had my own apartment and a car, then everything would be easier. If I had a husband or boyfriend to take care of me I wouldn’t be such a burden to them right now.
My ‘dear’ brother called out every major area of lacking in my life and laid it bare at my feet. I shut down, went silent and let him talk. Firing back would not have been wise as I still need him to help me after my surgery. This is yet another reason why being single really sucks.
I wish my sister were here. My sister would have been there to support me. She wouldn’t have lectured me. She would have rolled up her sleeves and been there for me. I knew when my mother got my brother involved that he was going to throw this in my face. He’s made it clear to me multiple times that I am a disappointment to him. I’ve now finally realized that we aren’t going to ever get along.
I was supposedly the smart one. I was the one with high marks and multiple degrees who was going to go far in life. But what am I now? I am the poor one who has nothing to show for it except for a pile of debt and failing health. His son, my nephew, who is half my age, already has a wife a newborn baby and their own place that they are moving into. So clearly I’m defective.
Where is my sister? She just got transferred abroad by her job with her husband. She’s now living half a world a way in the number one country I’ve learned about and have been aching to visit / live in for years. I love my sister to pieces, but it’s so so soooo hard to hear her breathless reports about all the fun she and her husband are having over there, when I’m in this emotional and physical pit. They just bought new cars. Her employer is providing housing and is driving them around so they can pick the house they want… Yeah… so… yeah….
convo lecture from my brother has now given me another headache. Great. The surviving the surgery will be a breeze compared to having to deal with him.
All the stress that I’ve been under for the last 2.5 years since losing my job and accepting the reality of my own financial crisis has undoubtedly contributed to the health problems that I’m facing now. I cut corners with my health in the name of financial sacrifice, and now I’m paying the price. And the cost of surgery including pre-op prep and post-op recovery will drive my debt back up. Is it hopeless? Will I ever get out of debt or will it kill me first?