Should You Date Someone with Debt?

date someone debt

Should you date someone with debt?

The answer to this question is, of course, “It depends”.

We all know the red flags to look for in a relationship with regard to money:
–  They never look at the price of anything and spend money like there’s no tomorrow.
–  They have credit or debit cards turned down more than once when you are with them.
–  They ask to borrow money from you or from their own friends and family.
–  They get calls/letters from debt collectors.

Sometimes, however, things aren’t always so cut and dry.

What if you found out that a person you really liked had $10,000 of credit card debt? What about $100,000 of student loan debt?

Should you run away from someone with debt?   Here is a short 5 point litmus test to determine if that special person in your life, though in debt, may be a keeper.

You should date someone with debt if he / she:

1. has identified and accepted what got them into debt

You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken. They must have some self-awareness of their own role in causing their debt and are accepting the consequences.  They have learned their lesson.

2. has no gambling, shopping, or other money related addictions

These behaviors may not currently be a source of debt, but can easily become so. If these addictions are a source of the debt, you may be better off not dating this person. Think about this very carefully as oftentimes addictions are a form of mental illness that will at some point require the intervention of a mental health professional to address.

3. has taken the time to learn about personal finance

They have read about personal finance and can talk about opportunity cost, budgets, and interest. This shows that they have taken the time to educate themselves about how money works. It is important that she/he is doing this on his/her own, and not because you are forcing them.

4. is taking active and strong measures to eliminate debt

Is this guy working two or three  jobs to kill this debt?  Is this girl successfully avoiding taking on any new debt? Is he living within or even below his means to make it happen? Don’t let someone sweet talk you into giving them ‘time to figure out what to do’. Remember, trust actions not words.

5. has a plan about the future beyond debt payoff

Once he has paid off all his debts does he have financial plans beyond the short term? Is she making 401k contributions? Will he build up an emergency fund? Does she have long term financial goals that match yours?

That’s my 5 point litmus test for debt and dating.

Remember, it’s not only about how much debt someone has. Action is also an important factor in deciding whether to continue dating someone. It is just as important to look at what they are doing about that debt right now.

Someone may have no debt at all but live pay check to paycheck and have little understanding of, or interest in personal finance. They will likely continue that pattern and have a precarious financial future. However, someone else who has $75,000 in debt may be the one who has had a serious wake up call and is now intense about paying off debts and investing.

So, don’t be quite so fast to avoid dating someone with debt. Take a little time to see who that person is financially by watching their actions. There may be hope for love.

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“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW)

[Photo Credit: Eric Mary]

5 Reasons Why People Practice Extreme Frugality and / or Minimalism

I’ve been considering why some of us are drawn to (extreme) frugality and/or minimalism. I have identified five reasons or triggers for these practices. You may identify with all of these possible causes or none.  If we maintain this way of life for many years, we may move between these reasons as our circumstances change. I am not a psychologist or behavioral economist, so these are just my personal observations and opinions. Note that frugality and minimalism are NOT the same thing. I pair them here for the sake of simplicity.

bitterness

#1. Reflexive Resentment

You couldn’t turn things around now you’ve lost it all. Your debts and financial situation have caught up with you, and you can’t run and hide anymore. The facade has crumbled.  You’ve hit a low point and need a way to cope with your situation. You turn all that sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment into anger and resentment.  You had to sell a lot of your possessions. The things you have left mock you. As a reflex and as a way to protect your ego, your sense of self, you begin to see the things that you no longer have, the things you could no longer have, as a useless waste. In your mind, if you can’t have it, then you don’t want it.  You dislike owning things now. You see stuff as weight that keeps you tied down. You dislike spending money. You may not even have much desire to travel anymore when it used to be all you thought about. You reduce your living expenses and lifestyle in a way that rejects what you used to value and spend money on.

For instance, some people practice minimalism as a way to reduce anxiety and stress by reducing the number of things in their life. That means, fewer things to search for, buy, store, clean, insure, and maintain, etc. It can be a way to assert control over one’s environment, particularly if it is felt that other parts of life are out of control.

In addition to resenting things, you also resent yourself for thinking that you had a shot at a better life. You resent yourself for being so financially ignorant and gullible with regard to money. While you may love your family, you may resent them for not teaching you to protect yourself from financial predators. You resent that you, without knowing any better, allowed yourself to be financially taken advantage of.

You don’t want status symbols and stuff anymore. Some may call it sour grapes. Others may call it a symptom of depression. I’m not a psychologist, but it seems that while this may help one cope in the short term, if it goes on long term, it may not be the healthiest perspective and could slip into mental illness if not regularly measured against healthy boundaries.

trauma

#2. Psychological Trauma

Similar to #1 (reflexive resentment) but more sudden and severe. Whereas #1 may take place over a period of months or years where one’s financial situation deteriorates, #2 psychological trauma, happens suddenly. Usually a job loss, a large negative legal judgement or expense, divorce, or a grave and costly medical diagnosis turns your life upside down in one moment.

Your safety net and security are snatched from underneath you before you can steady yourself or put plans in place. You may find yourself  days or hours away from being homeless, or you may find yourself actually being homeless. These experiences can cause psychological trauma that can last a lifetime. In its extreme form, the result can be an unhealthy relationship with money and ownership of things.

We all know the story of Kate Hashimoto from “Extreme Cheapskates”. Her obsession with not spending (“wasting”) money was triggered when she lost her job during the dot.com bust. This must have been a traumatic event for her because now, even though she makes a six-figure salary with a big accounting firm, she refuses to spend money on anything. [To anyone who has traveled outside  of  the U.S. and Europe, the things she does to save money are actually commonly done in many parts of the developing world, and are not “weird”.] What is concerning however, is that she and others in this category do some things that put their health at risk when they have more than enough money to not have to do that.

Return-On-Investment

#3. ROI – It’s Business 

You find frugality and/or minimalism to be a strategic financial pathway to achieve some life goal, such as extreme early retirement.  You have calculated that if you reduce your expenses and possessions for a period of time now, you can divert that money to savings and investments that will allow you to retire early, start a business, or travel the world for years.

trendy

#4. It’s Trendy 

You are not experiencing financial hardship. However, with the economy not being what it used to be, and with so many people cutting back, you want to fit in. Perhaps, thanks to a documentary or famous blog, you undertake a 1 month or even a 1 year challenge to buy nothing new, or only spend X dollars, or only own X number of things, or live on minimum wage. For you, it’s about adventure, and accomplishment.

meditation1-300x214

#5. Enlightened Self-Awareness

You embrace frugality and/or minimalism by choice and practice it as an outward manifestation of your own inner peace and self-acceptance. For you, practicing frugality and/or minimalism is not a means to an end. It is not something to be endured. It is a way of life. You have no desire for designer labels, and the accumulation of stuff. You only keep those things that bring you the most value and benefit, and reflect what is most important to you.

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There you have  it. Those are my five reasons why people are drawn to practicing (extreme) frugality and/or minimalism. Did I forget any? Why do you think people are drawn to this way of life?

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“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW)

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Photocredits:
Bitterness and Resentment – examiner.com
Meditation – astralsociety.net

Are You Trapped in an Abusive Relationship with Your Job?

Abusive

[photo credit: DeliriumBlue @ Flickr]

My posting has already started to drop off. Why? My 9 – 5 job has become shaky over the past couple of weeks. My love of this job that I’ve held for the past two years has taken a sharp decline over the past 6 months. The details of this are the subject of a separate post. Suffice it to say that I have begun to look at job boards. I really don’t want to have to go on the job market. I really, really, don’t want to have to go back on the job market. I was last on the market during the recession, and it was brutal. Even more than that, my debt keeps me shackled.

I’ve started to think about bad job fits like any other bad relationship. I’ve come to believe that the worst job relationships can be as emotionally abusive as any other relationship.

Are you in an abusive relationship with your job? See if any of these apply to you.

1. You are subject to regular criticism and judgement; from informal comments to formal reviews. Ever endured a 360 review? No? Look it up and consider yourself lucky. They can be things of terror.

2.  You have lost your self-confidence and self-esteem. You are now a shell of the person you used to be. You question every decision you make and second guess yourself constantly. This extends into your personal life.

3. You start to believe the critical comments made about you. You begin to think that you deserve the treatment you are receiving.

4. Your opinions and suggestions are not respected and are ignored.

5. You live under a myriad of rules; too many to keep track of. You fear doing anything at all because you might be breaking a rule somewhere, which would result in bad consequences.

6. You are watched.  The metaphorical panopticon lives. You feel as though you are always being observed. Your physical whereabouts and online communications are monitored.

7. You are bullied, insulted, or called names.

8. You must get permission to do anything.

9. All of your time must be occupied with it. Forget about spending time with family and friends. You’ve even started dreaming about work. You are made to feel guilty for wanting work-life balance.

10. You get an occasional gift, bonus, award to entice you to stay around a little longer.

Why don’t more people leave abusive jobs? The short answer is, for some of the same reasons many don’t leave an abusive marriage. A few reasons are:

  • 1. Lack of financial independence.
  • 2. Self-doubt and fear that there are no better options out there.
  • 3. Peer pressure or fear of losing the perks and high status that are now enjoyed.

If you feel that you are in an abusive job, start making plans to get out. Eliminate as much debt as possible and put some money aside in an emergency fund. Start looking for new work and be sure to ask more of the right questions, this time around.

As for me, I’m starting to think that my days at this job are numbered. If I last through the end of the year, I will be happy for the sake of my debt. In the meantime, I now have another part-time job of scanning the job boards to add on top of my other three jobs.

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“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW)