Should You Date Someone with Debt?

Posted on by Double Debt Single Woman

date someone debt

Should you date someone with debt?

The answer to this question is, of course, “It depends”.

We all know the red flags to look for in a relationship with regard to money:
–  They never look at the price of anything and spend money like there’s no tomorrow.
–  They have credit or debit cards turned down more than once when you are with them.
–  They ask to borrow money from you or from their own friends and family.
–  They get calls/letters from debt collectors.

Sometimes, however, things aren’t always so cut and dry.

What if you found out that a person you really liked had $10,000 of credit card debt? What about $100,000 of student loan debt?

Should you run away from someone with debt?   Here is a short 5 point litmus test to determine if that special person in your life, though in debt, may be a keeper.

You should date someone with debt if he / she:

1. has identified and accepted what got them into debt

You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken. They must have some self-awareness of their own role in causing their debt and are accepting the consequences.  They have learned their lesson.

2. has no gambling, shopping, or other money related addictions

These behaviors may not currently be a source of debt, but can easily become so. If these addictions are a source of the debt, you may be better off not dating this person. Think about this very carefully as oftentimes addictions are a form of mental illness that will at some point require the intervention of a mental health professional to address.

3. has taken the time to learn about personal finance

They have read about personal finance and can talk about opportunity cost, budgets, and interest. This shows that they have taken the time to educate themselves about how money works. It is important that she/he is doing this on his/her own, and not because you are forcing them.

4. is taking active and strong measures to eliminate debt

Is this guy working two or three  jobs to kill this debt?  Is this girl successfully avoiding taking on any new debt? Is he living within or even below his means to make it happen? Don’t let someone sweet talk you into giving them ‘time to figure out what to do’. Remember, trust actions not words.

5. has a plan about the future beyond debt payoff

Once he has paid off all his debts does he have financial plans beyond the short term? Is she making 401k contributions? Will he build up an emergency fund? Does she have long term financial goals that match yours?

That’s my 5 point litmus test for debt and dating.

Remember, it’s not only about how much debt someone has. Action is also an important factor in deciding whether to continue dating someone. It is just as important to look at what they are doing about that debt right now.

Someone may have no debt at all but live pay check to paycheck and have little understanding of, or interest in personal finance. They will likely continue that pattern and have a precarious financial future. However, someone else who has $75,000 in debt may be the one who has had a serious wake up call and is now intense about paying off debts and investing.

So, don’t be quite so fast to avoid dating someone with debt. Take a little time to see who that person is financially by watching their actions. There may be hope for love.

.

“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW)

[Photo Credit: Eric Mary]

How to Survive Debtor’s Prison

Posted on by Double Debt Single Woman

PrisoneroftheMind

Welcome to OZ, Debtor’s Prison my friend.

What are you in for?

Me? Student loans and credit card debt. Well, let me give you the lowdown of how things run here.

Those of us who have committed crimes worthy of a debtor’s prison sentence will be here for a while. Since you have student loan debt like me, don’t expect to get outta here any time soon with any parole. You gotta serve your full time. There is no redemption for us. No forgiveness.

There are some lessons you need to learn up front if you are going to survive in here.

Don’t Gamble – If you gamble, eventually you’ll owe the wrong people. In Debtor’s Prison gambling make take the form of side hustles that require up front payment. Get your debt down to a manageable level first before risking money on anything, even if it may make you some money.

Work Out – Deal with stress.  Make your body as strong as you can while you develop your financial mind strength.

Learn and Reflect – Identify what got you here. Reflect. This is a time for rehabilitation. Make the most of it. Prevent this from happening again. Spend time reading books, blogs and listening to podcasts about personal finance. Learn about not only your personal bad decisions, but also the larger socio-economic forces and inequities that got you where you are. Spend time reading up on personal relationship and self-help books. Being in debtor’s prison isn’t all about numbers. Learn about the emotional, psychological side to why you are where you are.

Plot your Escape. Look up ways to make more money faster and save more money faster.

Work – Work two jobs minimum.  In addition to your full-time job you’ll need at least one or two part-time jobs and/or side hustles.  Remember, your debt payoff system won’t work unless you do.

Avoid (Debt) Depression – It makes you weak and vulnerable. Learn the symptoms. Combat depression by eliminating that feeling of hopelessness. You do that by making detailed plans to plot your escape. Find someone to talk to when you feel down, and especially if you feel suicidal. If you don’t have anyone you can talk to – go online and join and online forum, comment on a blog, or start your own. There will be times when, with no distractions and just your thoughts, you can be dragged into depression by dwelling on opportunity cost and where you could have been, what you could have had, and what you could have done.

Stick up for Yourself – Don’t let others put you down because you are having financial problems. Stay away from people who  are mean to you and don’t socialize with them. Don’t be afraid to fight back when you need to.

Be a Model Prisoner – The end-game here is about getting out. Do everything you are supposed to. PAY OFF THAT DEBT. Good behavior = early release.

Get Out and Stay Out – 0% recidivism is your goal. You have learned your lesson. You don’t have to go home, but you gotta get outta here. Don’t ever come back.

That’s it. Remember those rules and you should be alright. Watch your back and don’t accept any gifts in here. Credit cards with 0% interest and cashback rewards are not gifts. Every ‘gift’ in here has strings attached. Remember that.  Good luck. See you around the yard.

(Note: Many of these points were adapted from articles on how to survive actual prison.)

.

“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW)

How to Cope with Debt

Posted on by Double Debt Single Woman

Coping with debt is a skill.

For those of us with crushing long-term debt that it will take us years to pay off, coping with debt is a skill that could save our lives. While we are working our multiple jobs and side hustles,  making more money and cutting expenses, we need to realize that dealing with debt is more than a numbers game.

taking-a-walk1

1. Breathe, Stretch, & Take a Walk

I know it sounds trite, but do it. Really. The stress of debt can be deadly. It has been linked to depression, chronic hypertension, migraines, digestive problems, heart and autoimmune diseases.  Get outside and get some sun. Deep breathing clears the lungs and lowers blood pressure. Stretching and moving increases healthy blood circulation. Taking a brisk walk strengthens the heart and exercises tense muscles. We all know how exposure to sunlight is very good for mood and natural vitamin D production.

girl writing

2. Start and Maintain a Debt Diary

When behind the bars of debtor’s prison, write. Write to save your sanity and your health.

Get a good old fashioned paper diary, regular notebook, Word/Google doc, or even a blog – whatever works for you. This diary / journal / logbook is where  you can vent about all the slights, put-downs, and insultiments you endure on a regular basis. Everytime you have your intelligence insulted on your job, write about it. Everytime you endure a desperation filled and humiliating job interview, write about it. Everytime you get snubbed by family, friends, or strangers, write about it.

Just told someone off because you couldn’t take it anymore – record it here for history. Found out that your  cousin who barely graduated high school/college married a doctor and is now on holiday with him in Europe?  Grind your teeth while you look for your bus pass.  The only place you can afford to go is to work! What about your classmate whose parents helped him start a business and who now works for himself.  Grind your teeth, and buy a dental guard from the store to avoid a nasty dentist bill, while on your way to your second job.

Write about these encounters, feel them, and get them out of your mind and down on paper – every detail. Don’t keep things bottled up. It leads to illness. Write about what happened, who said what, who did what, how the incident ended, and how it made you feel. Vow that once out of debt that this will not happen again. Then think about concrete actions that you can take to prevent it from happening again.

film-reel-df997

3. Sit Back for Cinema Therapy

Cinema therapy gives us a chance to make sense of our own financial situation by seeing it reflected in the lives of others. For some, distance provides perspective. There a few different forms of cinema therapy.

Library-Books

4. Catch the Reading Rainbow

Whether nonfiction books, fiction novels, or blogs, read things that educate, entertain, or edutain you about personal finance, minimalism, frugality, and lifestyle design. Don’t overlook the fiction genre. One entertaining fiction book about sudden unemployment that I enjoyed recently was Bitter is the New Black. Check it out from your local library. You do patronize your FREE local library, right?

group_therapy

5.  Join a Personal Finance/ Debt Therapy Group

Don’t want to bother your friends and family with another diatribe or cry session? Has your debt diary started yelling back at you to stop harassing it? You may be the perfect candidate for group therapy. There are online and face-to-face groups available for the joining. Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover Forums, Early Retirement Extreme Forums, local meetup groups, and countless others can give you the support you need to vent and strategize ways out of debt. Drag those scary financial skeletons out of the closet. No local face-to-face groups in your area? Start one on Meetup.com.

drugs

6. Reduce or eliminate the junk

Didn’t think I’d let you off the hook that easily, did you? We all know the drill. Cut out, or at least cut down, the sugar, alcohol, and fried foods. Don’t self-medicate with drugs, or alcohol. We all know that it will cause more and worse problems down the line.

There you have it. These are a handful of ways to begin coping with long-term large debt, while we actively work to claw ourselves out of it as fast as we can. I’m working on these myself. It’s not easy.

What are some ways that you cope with your large debt?

.

“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW)