Last week at work I got a cryptic summons from my manager to meet her in her office. “Should I bring my laptop?”, I ask. “No”, she replied. I’m immediately worried, because that’s how I respond now when I’m asked to meet with a manager without knowing why.

I walked in and greeted her, standing at her desk. With barely a smile, she asked me to take a seat. Very unusual. Now I’m really worried. What did I do wrong? Have I been working from home too often? Have I already not met expectations? Has someone complained about my work? Am I getting fired?!

“I want you to know”, she began with a serious demeanor. I’ve stopped breathing by now because I know whatever is coming next will not be good. “…that I’m leaving X (Corporation)…”

“Ohhh nooo”, I whisper as my hands cover my mouth.  My eyes are wide with shock.  This can’t be happening.

My manager, I’ll call her “Suzy”, has been AWESOME to work for. She is sweet and fun and has never micromanaged me. Unlike my last job, Suzy has always treated me like an adult and given me space to do my job, even when that was scary for me. Suzy has also been at the company for several years, longer than almost everyone in my department. As such she has been an indispensable source of information and help for me. On several occasions I’ve thought to myself, ‘I’m so glad that Suzy is here’. Even though we are roughly the same age, she is who I want to be when I grow up. Suzy is one of those people that just has it all together. Now she’s leaving.

I’m still like a newborn Giraffe trying to walk, and now the person who I’ve been leaning on these past months since I started this new job is leaving. I work at a satellite office. Suzy and I are the only two people who do what we do in this office. Now I will be the only one. I will now report directly to Suzy’s manager who works at Headquarters in another state. Suzy’s manager, while pleasant enough, is quite intimidating and has very high expectations of me that I don’t think are even possible to meet. To me it feels like Suzy has shielded me from her manager’s gaze, but no more.

I don’t know what the future holds for me.  I don’t know how long i’ll last at this company. I know its the fear and uncertainty talking. I’ve just had a history of manager’s hiring me and then leaving (e.g. getting promoted, getting a great job offer somewhere else) before I feel ready to be on my own. Maybe I have the workplace equivalent of abandonment issues.  I know that workplaces are dynamic and that people move and transfer but this is too often to be chance.

This is also the highest paying job I’ve ever had in my life, so I don’t want to screw things up and lose it for obvious (debt repayment) reasons. Arghh! Why do things have to change so often?

Have I mentioned yet in this post how much I hate debt. If I were financially independent, this post would have an entirely different tone.  Debt makes you see everything through a lens of risk and fear instead of opportunity.

Here’s to the future and facing the unknown…

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“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW)