People (Family Strangers Relationships) | Double Debt Single Woman

Single Woman Chronicles #1 – Online Dating Hope and Rejection

Posted on November 7, 2013 by Double Debt Single Woman

This post marks the start of an ongoing series that I am calling the Single Woman Chronicles. This series will appear from time to time and cover the ‘Single Woman’ part of Double Debt Single Woman. Enjoy!

I am now in a new city with a new job, and with new hope for curing my singleton problem. I’m still in a steep learning curve at my main (office) job, while getting the hang of my second (online) job. So, in short, I’m busy and tired all the time. Working so much keeps me distracted from the fact that I am very, very single.

I’ve been here for a few months now and have yet to make any friends or meet anyone special. I know, three whole months! I’m bored and boring. After all, only boring people get bored, right? I decided to reactivate an old profile on one of the online dating sites. Profile content – no problem, settings – no problem, photos – problem. I didn’t have any recent pictures.

I have no friends yet to photograph me in cool places, doing cool things. Fine, I decided to put up selfies. (By the way, I really hate the word ‘selfie’.) I thought about getting professional pics, but shot the idea down. I did that before, when I first opened the account a few years ago. I had my hair and makeup professionally done. I even hired a photographer. The pictures were beautiful. I looked great! I even got some guys sending me winks and emails. Unfortunately, I didn’t look like the pictures on a day-to-day basis. Who could keep that look up?! This hit home one day when I spotted one of the guys who had messaged me in a local grocery store. I was not looking hot. I tried to hide from him, but I could tell that he’d recognized me too. He never approached me and I don’t blame him. I got out of the store with my purchases as quickly as I could. I took those photos down soon afterwards. That online dating stint was a total failure. I learned my lesson about putting up ‘glamour shots’.

LoL. Remember ‘Glamour Shots’?

So, back to present day. I want my pics to be natural and real – the real me. Now, most of us think of ourselves as relatively attractive – not models, but not trolls either. Despite being more of a plain jane, I think I’m quite cute. My iPhone camera, unfortunately, does not agree. After taking dozens of selfies, the camera roll reveals shot after shot of a distorted, blemished, and haggard face. OMG! WTH?! Where is the cute chick I see in my mirror? Gizmodo has a great article about why we look different in photos than we do in the mirror. (Yes, I had to look this up!)

[Image credit: LoLBing.com]

In desperation, I picked the least horrible one in the bunch and threw it up on the site. (Sorry for that visual.) Yes, only one. It was a closeup shot of my face sans makeup, which I usually don’t wear, taken in the bathroom mirror. Yeah, I know, but bathroom mirrors have the best lighting. I did a bunch of searches for potential matches and sent out about 10 personally crafted emails. As a woman of a certain age who is not classically beautiful I have learned that I have to be proactive when it comes to trying to meet anyone online. And I waited.

A few hours later, I got two responses! Woot! Upon opening, one said, in a short but sweet way, thanks but no thanks. Ok, fine. The other one was not scathing per se, but was very detailed in a judgmental way about why I was not a match for this particular individual. Ouch. This second rejection rocked me. Combine this with the fact that as of the following day, the person that I most wanted to hear back from (omg, major crush!) had read my message, but not replied. I felt so sad and rejected that I hid my profile. Within two days of getting online, I was retreating like a wounded puppy. I needed time out to heal psychologically. With that rude awakening, I realized that I had been out of online dating for a long time. I forgot about how much of a thick skin you have to have.

A week later I reactivated my account with a thicker skin. My profile has been back up for a few days now. I continue to send out a few messages per day. I have yet to receive any messages. Note: I am not messaging models, actors, or tycoons here. I am very realistic about who I message. These are regular looking people with regular lives, like me. Most of them have profiles that show that no one has contacted them all week. They read my personalized message, then… crickets. I know this is par for the course for online dating, but damn. They’d rather continue to be alone than talk to me. Ouch.

LoL. I have to laugh about it. I still hold out hope that something may come of it. In the meantime, I have to make more of an effort to get out and take a class or join a few clubs — oh, and find the number of a good photographer.

“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW)

Should You Date Someone with Debt?

Posted on June 10, 2013 by Double Debt Single Woman

Should you date someone with debt?

The answer to this question is, of course, “It depends”.

We all know the red flags to look for in a relationship with regard to money:
– They never look at the price of anything and spend money like there’s no tomorrow.
– They have credit or debit cards turned down more than once when you are with them.
– They ask to borrow money from you or from their own friends and family.
– They get calls/letters from debt collectors.

Sometimes, however, things aren’t always so cut and dry.

What if you found out that a person you really liked had $10,000 of credit card debt? What about $100,000 of student loan debt?

Should you run away from someone with debt? Here is a short 5 point litmus test to determine if that special person in your life, though in debt, may be a keeper.

You should date someone with debt if he / she:

1. has identified and accepted what got them into debt

You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken. They must have some self-awareness of their own role in causing their debt and are accepting the consequences. They have learned their lesson.

2. has no gambling, shopping, or other money related addictions

These behaviors may not currently be a source of debt, but can easily become so. If these addictions are a source of the debt, you may be better off not dating this person. Think about this very carefully as oftentimes addictions are a form of mental illness that will at some point require the intervention of a mental health professional to address.

3. has taken the time to learn about personal finance

They have read about personal finance and can talk about opportunity cost, budgets, and interest. This shows that they have taken the time to educate themselves about how money works. It is important that she/he is doing this on his/her own, and not because you are forcing them.

4. is taking active and strong measures to eliminate debt

Is this guy working two or three jobs to kill this debt? Is this girl successfully avoiding taking on any new debt? Is he living within or even below his means to make it happen? Don’t let someone sweet talk you into giving them ‘time to figure out what to do’. Remember, trust actions not words.

5. has a plan about the future beyond debt payoff

Once he has paid off all his debts does he have financial plans beyond the short term? Is she making 401k contributions? Will he build up an emergency fund? Does she have long term financial goals that match yours?

That’s my 5 point litmus test for debt and dating.

Remember, it’s not only about how much debt someone has. Action is also an important factor in deciding whether to continue dating someone. It is just as important to look at what they are doing about that debt right now.

Someone may have no debt at all but live pay check to paycheck and have little understanding of, or interest in personal finance. They will likely continue that pattern and have a precarious financial future. However, someone else who has $75,000 in debt may be the one who has had a serious wake up call and is now intense about paying off debts and investing.

So, don’t be quite so fast to avoid dating someone with debt. Take a little time to see who that person is financially by watching their actions. There may be hope for love.

“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW)

[Photo Credit: Eric Mary]

14 People You See When You Ride the Bus

Posted on February 10, 2013 by Double Debt Single Woman

First let me say that I greatly appreciate having access to a bus to get to work and around town. However, with a 45 minute bus commute between home and work, when I’m too tired to be productive, I have some time to observe my fellow passengers.

Here are 14 people that I have identified on my bus ride. These labels are not mutually exclusive, so one person may embody several of them simultaneously. Now that’s something to see. Here we go.

#1 – The Talker – That person who sits or stands at the front of the bus and talks the driver to death and distraction. ‘Hey driver! You missed my stop!’

#2 – The Ashtray – Sorry smokers, but you guys really don’t know what you smell like. I’ll tell you. You smell like an ashtray. ‘Damn. Why did this person sit next to me? Cough, cough. Let’s see. 45 minute bus ride. Packed bus with no other available seats. [Tries to hold breath.] Cough cough. Sigh.’

#3 – The Petri Dish – The sick person who gets into a sealed compartment full of people and insists on coughing and sneezing on everybody and everything. This person somehow thinks that the ‘stay-at-home-when-sick’ etiquette applies to everyone except her. ‘Nice. Yeah, don’t bother covering your mouth. We all want to share your virus.’

#4 – The Eco Professional – This person usually works in a creative or high tech field like web design, makes good money and owns a car, but takes the bus to spare the environment. In some cities with good public transit, it’s hip to take the bus when you don’t have to.

#5 – The College Student – The backpacks and mentions of ‘Professor’ are usually the giveaway.

#6 – The Mentally Ill / Homeless / Drug Addict – The person who is having a much harder time at life than you are, and it shows.

#7 – The Drama King / Queen – This person talks way too loudly or is always having an argument with another passenger or with their phone.

#8 – The Rich Person -This is the random high powered professional who is well-dressed and obviously well-off, likely owns multiple cars, and has absolutely no business on a public bus. You might overhear them talking about their law practice or patients.

#9 – The Annoying PDA Couple – I think they purposefully target the most single looking person on the bus to sit in front of. ‘OMG! Get a room already. Really?! Sigh.’

#10 – The Face Starer – This person refuses to sit facing the way that the seat is meant for him to face. He proceeds to stare at the people sitting behind or across from him depending on how he has positioned himself. ‘Why?’

#11 – The Couch Sitter (often also the Face Starer, but not always) – The Couch Sitter sits lengthwise on the row of seats with his legs propped up, apparently without regard for the fact that this is called PUBLIC transit and that others might want a place to sit. ‘Go ahead. Put your feet up. Make yourself at home. That pregnant woman and her elderly grandma standing next to you enjoy exercising their calves during long bus rides.’

#12 – The Diner – The Diner pulls out a meal, complete with fork, and proceeds to enjoy dinner in the middle of a crowded bus. Listen, after a long day at work I’m tired and hungry too, but this is not an Amtrak dining car, so either eat before you get on the bus or hold out until you get home. We don’t want to smell your garlic spaghetti on an airtight bus.

#13 – The Backdoor Blocker – This person will get on the bus and stand in next to the back exit door when there are other empty seats available. Is he planning to jump off at the next stop? No. He just plans to stand there and force people to maneuver around him when they need to get off the bus.

#14 – Broke Debt Slaves and Other Poor People – We are the ones on our way to work or coming back from work. We often have long commutes and set up camp with a book or headphones. Otherwise we stare out of the window with a resigned look of quiet desperation in our eyes.

There you have it. These are 14 types of people you’ll see on the bus. Now sing along everybody! “The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round, all through the town.”

Hey, you bus surfers out there, did I forget anyone? Who would you add?

“Debtor’s prison is real, and opportunity cost is a bitch.” (DDSW)

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